New Google Adwords Formula = Just Pay Us More

The lunacy that is the Google adwords formula is actually really amusing lately, let’s take a look and dissect it line by line shall we …


Google AdWords Help Center: How is the formula for top ad placement changing?

With this new formula, instead of considering your actual CPC, we’ll consider your maximum CPC bid, which you control. This means that your ad’s eligibility to be promoted is no longer dependent on the bids of advertisers below you. Therefore, if you have a high quality ad, you now have more control to achieve a top position by increasing your maximum CPC.

Your actual CPC will continue to be determined by the auction, but subject to a minimum price for top spots. The minimum price is based on the quality of your ad and is the minimum amount required for your ad to achieve top placement above Google search results. As always, the higher your ad’s quality, the less you will pay. And you will never be charged more than your maximum CPC bid.

OK there it is in it’s unchanged entirety now let’s lay it open bare why don’t we …

With this new formula, instead of considering your actual CPC, we’ll consider your maximum CPC bid, which you control.

We want to know exactly how much we can extort out of you before you’ll bail, and rather than playing guessing games, we’re going to work only with that number and ignore everything else. The fact that it costs you the most money and makes us the most profit is purely coincidental … really …

This means that your ad’s eligibility to be promoted is no longer dependent on the bids of advertisers below you.

We’ve figured out that if you bid blind, and have no idea what the other people are bidding or paying (except for you pesky blackhat ppc seo’s with two accounts … oops …) it gives us the ability to extract the most profit out of you because you’re likely to over bid. We also want to make sure that we charge you the most we possibly can in case somebody below you has figured out how use the system correctly.

Therefore, if you have a high quality ad, you now have more control to achieve a top position by increasing your maximum CPC

Did we mention how much more likely we are to show your ad the more you are willing to pay us … pay no attention to that growing pile of profits over in the corner. Notice how we don’t confuse your goals of paying as little as possible with our goals of making as much profit as possible

Your actual CPC will continue to be determined by the auction, but subject to a minimum price for top spots.

Did you notice that “minimum price” wording … pretty slick how we avoided saying things were price fixed wasn’t it. How are we going to keep getting free breakfast, lunch and dinner here at the plex if we don’t take a few necessary steps, the ends totally justify the means don’t cha know.

The minimum price is based on the quality of your ad and is the minimum amount required for your ad to achieve top placement above Google search results.

You gotta love the quality score, it’s mystery factor X, pretty much allowing us to get whatever number we want on the other end. It’s like simple algebra, and we googlers love maths. We could have just said “we’re going to take the most you are willing to pay and charge you whatever percentage of it we want to, and if you aren’t bidding high enough we’ll totally say your quality score sucks” but well we like to put all that college edumacation to work and bamboozle with big words arranged in complicated ways, so you’ve got no idea what’s really going on …

As always, the higher your ad’s quality, the less you will pay.

Since you have no idea what the quality score is, we won’t tell you, and it’s completely out of your control, that’s pretty much an irrelevant factor for you isn’t it. Oh you noticed we’re the only one’s who know what that score is … and that we control it … which means we can charge you whatever we want … Listen have you seen all this yummy food we get to eat for free !!! Don’t think of it as paying too much … think of it putting food in the mouths of happy googlers who will find more ways to charge you more next year ….

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